Breaking Barriers / An Acne Journey
I don’t miss much about my early teenage look, but I sure miss clear skin. I would buy copious amounts of acne washes and scrubs to tackle my “T-zone” when there wasn’t a zit in sight. I appreciated the idea of a ritual as it felt more adult-like, but never really needed it. By the time I quit birth control pills at age twenty-three, mayhem pursued (you can read my birth control experience here). “I never had acne, I don’t know where you girls got it,” my mother would say to my sister and me, both struggling with adult acne. No shit, neither did we. It was hormonal and it was horrible.
As someone who never had skin issues prior—except an onslaught of undesirably-located freckles (really, who needs them on their jawline and chin?)—I couldn’t cope with my acne. While most people have a few pimples here and there, maybe depending on hormones or diet, I was suffering from breakouts all over my forehead and chin. My acne was primarily papules and pustules with some cystic areas. As a refresher, acne comes in a few types: blackheads and whiteheads, papules, pustules and cystic. Blackheads and whiteheads and non-inflammatory. Some clogged pores, visible blackheads and 1-2 papules are easy to handle. When you feel like your face is overwhelmed by these types, it feels suffocating. 85% of people between the ages of 12 and 24 experience acne; first, what about after 24? Second, where are those other 15%? I was in my early twenties and wanted to date and enjoy myself, but the associated anxiety with acne was crippling.
Acne has a way of making you feel both too young and aged at the same time. Covering up acne is an art in and of itself, and most of the time, makeup makes it look even worse. Your skin wrinkles and cracks under both liquid and powder foundations, under natural and fluorescent lights. I felt both seventeen and thirty at the same time. I felt disgusting and juvenile, wondering why these perils hadn’t hit me when they were hitting everyone else—maybe it would have felt normal. Would my co-workers even take me seriously when I had the skin of a teenager? My acne, and later acne medication, caused my face to scab over around my mouth and chin. I felt repulsive, and didn't know what could help. I remember cancelling plans due to poor skin days. I would never wish that feeling upon anyone. My friends and family never judged me or made comments, but your face (skin, expressions, smile) is how you interact most with the world. When you're self conscious, it's hard to get out there.
I finally decided to see a dermatologist in Austin who put me on Epiduo and Spironolactone given the placement of my acne (primarily hormonal) and nature of my outbreaks. I have combination skin that leans dry—dry to the extent I overproduce oils, which clog my pores. I also get fissures in the cracks of my skin under certain sun exposure. This would eventually lead to lupus and autoimmune disease testing given what my photosensitivity looked like. Thankfully, everything was ok. While I have always had relatively sensitive skin from a past history with eczema, I had no idea what was ahead of me as acne treatment started.
I felt like a monster during my first few weeks of Epiduo and frequently considered quitting. As you begin the process of any chemical exfoliant, but primarily retinoids for acne treatments, your skin starts to "purge" with rapid cell turnover. This usually consists of more pimples and redness/scaling. My face would burn so badly I'd cry while applying cold compresses. I’d check skincare message boards every day to gauge if the pain was worth it. I persevered, and sure enough, it was.
Within three months of very consistent treatment, my acne majorly subsided. I finally felt like myself again. I consistently used Epiduo for a year and a half but quit spironolactone due to issues potentially associated with my menstrual cycle—still more to be determined on that front. I don’t like having to be cautious with the sun when I’m on Epiduo so I’m trying to quit it. I’m not immune to breakouts given the amount of sweating I do in yoga, even with a steady hygiene method once I’m out of the studio. I also cannot be in the sun due to photosensitivity when using Epiduo.
About 2 years after I started treating my acne. Love a good chin breakout at a music festival! It comes and goes, depending on my hormones and the weather quite frankly.
I still try to find a balance between acne-free skin and a nice day in the sun, although it’s a constant struggle. I haven’t quite found how long I should go without it before I don’t react, but so far so bad. I envy my friends who have had clear skin all their lives and mourn the skin I had when I was a teenager.
The personal challenge of finding ways to enjoy myself, even with acne, taught me a lot about myself and the weight I put on my appearance. The disappearance of (most of) my zits was an added bonus. View my post on my acne skincare ritual for what has worked best for me, during my steady phases as well as sun exposure and Epiduo-related sunburns. I’ll always suffer from breakouts, and it ends up being all about how I choose to handle them. You treat acne as you get it, and try to prevent it as much as possible. I don’t believe there’s necessarily a cure, but there are products and practices that help alleviate the pain it can cause.