LS / Birth into Beauty

These days, I think people are intrigued by the immensely huge beauty industry for various reasons. Maybe it’s for fun of self expression and the access to so many different products and brands that emerge every day. Maybe it’s for the money, with an industry valued at $800 billion by 2023. Or maybe it’s really for the self-care aspect of taking time to pamper yourself. Any way you put it, the beauty industry is a lifestyle and a choice we make as individuals by participating in it, or even by abstaining.

My obsession with beauty started at age eleven or twelve. I naively came to the realization I thought I'd be happier with a set of long, dark eyelashes. It sounds silly now, but also not—I have worn mascara every day for the past ten years.

I’m a natural redhead and although I can appreciate my coloring now, I’ve always been curious to know what it'd be like to have what I naturally don't (noticeable eyebrows, non-translucent lashes, maybe even the option of bleaching my hair without the associated anxiety of never color-matching my roots if I wanted to go back to red).  I realize my initial interest with beauty and cosmetics was based on the longing to look more similar to everyone else, to maybe even stand out less. To look more average, as opposed to looking like someone out of a magazine. More on that later.

My experience with cosmetics was amateur until I hit my mid-teens. I would secretly swipe on my sister’s Clinique eye shadow, so incredibly sheer no one could even tell—but I knew I was wearing it. I think I liked makeup due to the forbidden nature of it. Makeup, and the then-associated advertising, was targeted at women, not girls. While not a harsh rule in my household, my sister was “old enough” in high school to get makeup lessons at the beauty store counter as I watched deliberately. Eventually, she would let me do her makeup before she went out with friends as I was quite frankly better at it. I studied her Bobbi Brown Teenage Beauty book for hours and envied the shape (and presence), of her natural eyebrows. I carefully covered the blue veins in her eyelids and told her to put on her mascara herself to get the best angle. I was maybe thirteen. When I started earning my own money and dabbling in drugstore makeup, I realized how close it was to buying art supplies. I've found cosmetics to be a physical expression (but not the only expression) for the care and attention I choose to have for myself and the people I love. To me, cosmetics and the emphasis on beauty has become a constant in my life as a transformative tool, a luxury and an adornment. Even if that took a road with quite a lot of turns.  

I had heard about a new modeling agency in Dallas that was looking for girls who were wallflowers. Those gangly, odd-looking girls who were beautiful in their own way. I didn’t have some strong desire to be a model, but always wondered if I could do it (and knew I’d regret it if I never tried). Once I signed a modeling contract at sixteen, the unique look that I struggled with started to literally pay off. I had a look that I could sell, and I learned this very young. With that came the knowledge that not everyone would be interested in it. It was up to me to determine how that would let me feel. “Natural” beauty was what got me into the game (as in, do you have the potential to easily transform into whatever is needed for the job), but from thereon out, I was still constantly maintaining a very specific look while getting booked. I was perfecting the current no-makeup makeup look for castings before it was a sought after trend: fresh bases, no eye makeup, look less tired than you are. MAC Studio Fix Powder Plus Foundation, if built to the right amount, can cover some freckles. If you’re wearing all black (almost mandatory) make sure you still look alive. Models can be required to do their own makeup and hair for certain shows or events, which meant I needed actual skill to prepare for work (and my years of studying those beauty books paid off)!

The best part of my job was learning the tricks of the trade from makeup artists each time I was in front of a mirror as opposed to what I was learning in front of the camera or on the runway. I thank the modeling industry for exposing me to a side of the beauty industry a lot of people might not see, the hard work of creating art. I also thank my short exposure for awakening me as to how subjective beauty can be, even if that sounds counterintuitive as most might assume “beauty” in the modeling world correlates to mainstream "traditional" traits (big eyes, small nose and chin, certain body sizes). While I suffered body image issues related to the criticism of the industry, I did meet artists and photographers that saw something else in my own features. One in particular loved my statement nose (I’ve since grown into it) and the hair was always featured. I also think if I never tried modeling, I'd still be chasing after that untouchable side of beauty, meaning thinking of beauty as the lottery winner that some of the industry capitalizes on, when uniquely beautiful people surround me everyday.  

I don’t talk about my modeling years often, and I’m not sure if that’s related to shame or my general disinterest in that definition of beauty. My exposure to blatant image-related criticism during a transformative few years certainly emphasized my already growing interest with everything the beauty industry tends to supply (both positive and negative). Modeling was based in inherent beauty, but the appreciation it came with led me to want to define my own sense of what I find beautiful and how I feel the most beautiful (spoiler alert, it isn't correlated to what other people might tell you about your appearance). 

I have always been artistic and had viewed cosmetics as an everyday application of art and an outlet of self-expression. These days, I view beauty and the cosmetics industry not only as that very art (especially when you look at advertising, social media campaigns, product design) but also the science of taking care of yourself. Beauty is not only about what you’re putting on your face but what you’re cultivating yourself through choices of what you’re putting out into the world. In sum, beauty for me has transformed from an ideal state of presentation to a personal definition of your own intention towards your body and self. Participating in self care through beauty can be healing, a means to self discovery, and a way to show up for yourself.

My own relationship with my body and appearance has transformed as much as my own makeup routines. While my current look more so represents self-enhancement over coverage, I still experiment with identity through my ever-changing stock. While in my mid-twenties, my relationship with beauty is steady. Tacos and coffee might be great, but nothing eases a hangover for me like pampering myself in a beauty ritual. Long, dark lashes included.