On (one particular) Female Friendship
I’ve had a very important lady in my life for almost six years. Natalie and I met on the first day the both of us moved to Amsterdam in 2013. Since then, we have been constants for each other, and she’s arguably my closest confidant despite living on different continents.
I told Nat I wanted to write a piece for the blog about the importance of female friendship, and the importance of our friendship (I’ll eventually write a book about us). She had the brilliant idea of a combined post which was as beautiful to write as to read (in our opinions, but we’re literary and sappy like that).
We share a very strong need for independence with a desire to experience love and adventure in every part of our lives. Most importantly, we’re a source of strength and reliability (empowerment, if you will) for one another as we maneuver the world as young women. Along with talking almost daily, we have kept up with each other through a series of letters.
Nat and I decided we’d stray from the typical lengthy emails to each other and have a virtual back-and-forth conversation about being women in our current environments.
LS on NL: Nat is a beautiful amalgam of a human who is currently a teacher in Cambridge (UK). She loves books more than anyone I know. Nat is my true Gemini twin (though I’m a Pisces) as someone I can look into and see myself clearly, while simultaneously seeing the person I’d like to be; she’d say the same of me. We nicknamed ourselves The Explorers while living in the Netherlands as we have the same innate drive to get out and soak in as much beauty as we can. We’ve traveled together on three continents.
NL on LS: When I think of femininity I think of Lily; her graceful, punk, floral version of it. Lily cares about the environment (probably more than people, more than fine) and her passion for sustainability is infectious. We’re twin magpies; both love to collect sentimental items and record our adventures and observations in years of journals. We are in tune with each other despite being so far away and work at our friendship by writing to each other at length. I knew when I found Lily I’d found a person who’d be present for my whole life.
LS: How are you? How are you feeling? Tell me what you did for yourself today.
NL: First off, hi! I am so glad we’re doing this, it feels like a condensed, digital version of us talking at some beautiful coffee place (The Explorers hobby number one; we recommend Laundré in SF). Last night I was surrounded by friends and conversation, but today I’m hibernating. When I left for travel before university I was a newly-discovered extrovert and explored that for a few years but since, I’d rename myself a sociable introvert. I gather energy from myself or one other. Today I was creative and made a card for an occasion next week, I try to include meaningful messages in writing and express everything I want to say as I would in person. Writing can be so intimate. I’ve had friends say that they appreciate that (I think it comes in part from reading). I’ve learnt to be sincere and assertive with communication over the years. You were an introvert when I met you, what would you say now? And I guess linking question, how do you express sincerity to others?
LS: This is why we’re perfect. I agree with the sociable introvertedness of you which is why we can go places together and just sit in silence. You know this about me more than I even do, but I’d say I’m an introvert that’s developed a distinct, bold voice. And with that comes the comfortable ability to exist in groups of people and still feel energized. We’re alike in being deliberate and deriving meaning in so much of our lives. For me personally, I take a lot of care in thought before I take any action. This is where my sincerity comes in. Once I’ve done something for another person or maybe told them something brutally honest, they know it’s sincere because of how I take that time to think before acting. Does that make any sense? My very action is my sincerity.
NL: It does! And I know that face of contemplation, that’s why I trust everything you say.
LS: My face is definitely very easy to read!
LS: One of our very first letters we asked each other what makes us truly happy. What’s your answer now? Has it changed?
NL: This is tough because I remember us talking about this at length, did we get anywhere? I think we did. I used to have an unhealthy relationship with happiness, moving the chess piece to rely on one position (or person) alone. I’ve learnt that by creating little pots of happiness (my work, travel, my partner, my creativity, my family) and nourishing each one in turn, happiness becomes more holistic. Not looking back too frequently to past ‘phases’ of happiness also really helps (don’t compare lovers, don’t compare time periods). I love what you said at the time, do you remember? What is happiness for you?
LS: It might have been in terms of activities and I want to say it had to have been related to reading/writing in a coffee shop on a Saturday morning, particularly including the cathartic nature of journaling as a brain dump. Your answer now really is so holistic and mature, yet still so direct and tangible. You’ve always been incredible with balancing your own desires with family/those of others. I think I’m happiest when I have a purpose and I’m doing something with intention (but very self-centric). I want to punch myself in the face by using the phrase “continuous improvement” but this concept makes me happy and is what’s kept me driven. It’s kind of a yoga thing-- the practice is an attempt to get closer to self-actualization and the truest self. I’m happiest when I’m cultivating that inner power that gives me strength and confidence to be my best self.
NL: That feeling of solitude (coffee, writing, music, staring out of the window) on a Saturday should be bottled, it’s addictive. Intention is so your word.
LS: True. Speaking of intention, let’s talk about intention in relationships. At this point, we’ve both been in and out of serious relationships (and both currently have wonderful men in our lives). At 25, what are your views on marriage? Is it on your radar?
NL: Serious commitment is on my radar, but marriage feels so distant! My views on marriage are very changing and I know that if it were to ever happen, I’d have to define my own version of it (I think a lot of our generation are). I grow to love the experience of commitment and partnership more and more and think I’ve found peace with it (it’s not scary, it’s incredibly exciting). I feel incredibly nurturing and have a desire to express that. When we first met I love what you said about your parents marriage and think about that still, do you look to them as representative of what it could be like? Does our gender define what marriage is going to look like for all of us?
LS: Partnership really is the best word for how I see my future with a significant other. I think my views on commitment might have changed from learning about how life ebbs and flows and how people change; it’s just not as stagnant or as much of a promise as I used to think I guess. Partnership and commitment, however, are choices you make everyday so I would ideally like to be with someone who sees that same sense of gravity. I think our gender currently defines what marriage would look like for us, but I think this is rapidly changing.
NL: One of the best things you ever did was visit me whilst I was living in India. I so wanted you to experience it but at the same time, just missed you after two years. One of my favourite things we did was make notes in Rishikesh when we had downtime. We wrote down describing words for each other, can you share them on here? Why do you think we know each other so well, considering we haven’t lived in the same country for five years?
LS: Oh but of course! I’ll answer the second part first. I think our year together set a very solid foundation of openness that we somehow just carried on through. There’s a great deal of love and respect between the two of us, I can’t pinpoint any specific event or reason it’s there though. But I do know it’s continued for as long as it has because we seriously care about each other. No letter goes unanswered, no message gets lost. We’ve both really needed each other and still do; we’ve built this intercontinental female support system and now there’s no going back!
This was actually from the Amsterdam reunion, and at the bottom of the page has a note about how we laughed when we passed the bridge where my shoe fell off while cycling.
Natalie: Independent, kind, intuitive, curious, fearless (from Lily). Bonus quality: sexual (I’m dying).
Lily: Honest, willful, self aware, intuitive, brave (from Nat). Bonus quality: wise.
The intuitive part is also another reason we know each other so well. Tell me about your intuition. Is it just a part of you, or have you had to develop it? Has it gotten stronger?
NL: Both. As a child I was happy being alone, not a crier, perceptive, creative and my mum says it’s because I was so content and knew how to figure things out on my own. So maybe I used my intuition that way. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learnt to trust my intuition frequently and perhaps that’s from years of unconscious practice. Also, why are our bonus qualities so different yet so akin? Hope my mum reads this.
LS: “Mum.” Nat is British everyone, incase you haven’t picked up on this.
LS: I have to throw in an Amsterdam-specific question. It’s been years and we still reminiscence on the magnitude of what that city did for both of us. What single lesson did you learn while there that is most applicable to being an independent, driven woman now?
NL: Be present. We said yes to everything, we questioned, we explored, we hoped, we drank a lot of coffee and Belgian beer and figured it all out. We studied and we were successful but it had nothing to do with that (‘we learnt more from a three-minute record, baby than we ever learnt in school’; can I quote Springsteen here?). This was the first time in my life I became serious about, or at least reflective of, purposeful, healthy, soul-filled female friendships. I think we all did and we felt it at the same time. Just pure joy! It made me think about female friendships and relationships at home, too and changed the course of how I’d participate in them. You were independent also, before you even got there, how did you grow that being so far away from home? I’m thinking also of your relationship at the time, I hope I can mention that, I think it’s important.
LS: Amen to all of that! I think my independence continued to develop due to a few things. First off, it was the damn country and therefore my environment (and you’re included in that). It was the mentality of the Dutch, it was loving my surroundings so much that I was exactly where I wanted to be, and therefore hardly looked back at “home” and what I had left behind. Second, it became one of my homes. Home is an interesting concept for me and I think that’s somewhere we differ a lot. I love my family, but I don’t really consider anywhere a true home. I find homes in people, experiences that I return to. My favorite coffee shop has been a home. I love finding home in a great song that I listen to wherever I am. My relationship and my former partner were not true things of stability or home, so I think I could easily put them aside and grow just fine. Fast forward two years, and we realized how much a false sense of “home” can also feel like a place of confinement.
NL: So you’re killing it right now, I’m in awe of how you’ve crafted your life in Austin to reflect exactly what works for you. But I know it’s taken time, like all good things do.
LS: It was definitely a journey. I’m very comfortable with who I am and what I do, whereas when you’re younger you might be concerned with a social life or doing the most. However, I do feel like there’s always an expectation to do more just in terms of adulting. Make more of a difference, maybe have a side hustle or at least something to always be working towards (back to school, the next career jump, etc.). What piece of advice do you have for young women who are trying to figure out where they belong in the grand scheme of things?
NL: My instinct is to be very proverbial and say just be happy, be grateful and all of that. But it’s not useful. I do have a timeline in my head; dates of travel, starting my masters degree, a month of a year I know I’ll want to move on from where I’m living. But that’s it. It’s helpful to have checkpoints but not okay to set unrealistic pressures or expectations on yourself, especially if you’re comparing them to the timelines of others. I want to be as present as the me in Amsterdam was. Ideas of belonging are interesting, do you think of your life like that? On what kind of scale? At the very least, you belong (dearly) in the lives of a lot of people and you probably don’t acknowledge that as often as you should.
LS: Belonging comes back to the home discussion I guess. I think belonging comes from finding communities who support you where you need it. I find a lot of belonging in my career, in my relationships (and I guess it’s nice to acknowledge that portion more). It does take effort to find those communities and branch out. When you’re always exploring like us, it’s particularly important to find those support systems of those that can help give you strength and confidence. And for me, I’m thankful you’ve been one of those systems for five years and counting!
NL: Love the idea of you and I together as a community, of two! I support everything you do, duh. Is this a long love letter now? Probably. Bonus question; it’s not us if we don’t talk about music. Give me a lyric gift. I’m giving you ‘I’m moving through the dark / of a long, black night / just moving with the moon’ (Thinking of a Place, The War on Drugs).
LS: Twee! It’s always a love letter! My lyric gift is as follows, and it’s not surprisingly also celestial and reminds me of our hike in the Himalayas. To so many more adventures: ‘And we are the dawn / and we carry the sun’ (A Trick of the Light, Villagers).
